- No one is ever going to want you
- No one is ever going to love you
- You’ll look stupid so don’t even try it
- Your body is abnormal
- Men don’t want a woman like you
- You shouldn’t eat in front of people
- Maybe you should starve yourself
- Everyone is looking at you
- No one wants you here
- People are frustrated by the space you occupy
- You’ll never be happy
- They’re only pretending to like you
- You can’t dress like that
- Other girls are laughing at you
What a bunch of bullshit!
I don’t know where half of those thoughts even came from. Maybe they started when a family member pinched my cheeks and commented on how chubby I was getting or a boy I liked said “I don’t usually go for bigger girls…” then paid me some attention or maybe it was when I saw a movie where the fat girl was the butt of the joke… Who knows. What I do know is none of that toxic trash is true.
I wish I could go back in time to tell myself, “One day you’ll be heavier than you’ve ever been but you’ll know unconditional love, you’ll have a strong bond with your family, you’ll have a career you love and you’ll get married to a man who adores you the way you are“. I bet I would’ve spent less time settling for assholes who treated me like shit and trying to be friends with girls who needed me around to feel better about themselves.
I can’t really place when I started to love and accept myself but when it happened it happened little by little, then all at once and before I knew it I became content with who I am. I read a lot of books about self worth and I spent a little time alone so I could enjoy my own company. I wrote small affirmations to myself and stuck them to my mirror then started writing in a journal about things I’m grateful for until eventually I was feeling less self conscious all the time. I do also take an antidepressant and see a therapist weekly which my younger self used to balk at but now my adult self looks forward to. A lot of the noise that occupies the space between my ears is all made up nonsense exacerbated by fear and it helps to purge it onto someone else who can help me decipher what is true and what is absolutely false. It takes time and consciousness to start conditioning yourself to be gentle and loving, so be patient with yourself. Today I can hold my head high and face my fears, I learned somewhere along the line that I’m meaner to myself than anyone else has ever been to me. Sometimes it’s hard not to tear myself apart but everyday that I don’t participate in actions that lower my self esteem I feel closer to freedom than I was the day before. Some things that build my self esteem are:
- Helping someone in need
- Showing up when I don’t want to
- Following through with a commitment
- Getting up and getting dressed
- Making a friend laugh
- Taking a long bath or shower
- Cleaning around the house (keeping a tidy house keeps my thoughts tidy as well)
- Meditating for a few minutes
- Eating healthily
- Buying myself something nice
- Cooking a tasty meal
- Reading a book
- Not participating in gossip
- Setting healthy boundaries with people
- Being able to say I need alone time
- Doing something I’m afraid of
- Designing something
- Seeing my family
The list goes on and on.
When I’m having a lot of trouble and I feel like shit, I pray for the self-hating thoughts and negative attitude to be lifted – Usually I’m back on my game in no time.
Thanks for reading I’d be interested in reading your story if you feel compelled to share it.
Until next time.